On wanting to be a writer but struggling to write
i have always wanted to write a novel since i was a kid. i’ve been working one since three months. but i only take my notebook out ‘when i feel like it’ and haven’t committed to a daily writing habit yet.
i am scared of the quicksand emptiness of blank pages. i am scared of failure. i don’t trust myself. i am scared of overestimating my abilities. i am scared of under-estimating my writing abilities. i want to write so bad that my chest aches. but somehow, the walk to my desk is long. i overthink everything and, thus, there is a great chasm between desire and action.
and i am extremely bad at taking action.
but i am very good at being a friend.
so this weekend my best friend and i made promises to each other. i will spend 100 days on substack being vulnerable about my journey into identifying as a writer, while my friend will spend 100 days on her instagram account tracing her journey into creating the design consultancy of her dreams. our hypothesis is that if we grapple with our creative blocks online, we will be better at taking action in our personal creative pursuits.
for years we would complain to each other how our dreams felt tenuous and unreachable. the problem has always been us. we’ve always known that the answer is taking action. every therapist has told me the same but this doesn’t help me in the moment when i struggle with myself.
i cannot let my friend down. i will post on substack to keep my commitment to her.
i want to write. daily. but i prioritize other things like my social life, cooking gourmet meals, and working out a bit too much. i’m starting to think i indulge in these things to distract myself from what i really want: writing my novel.
to remedy this, i will use substack as a medium where i can document how scary this journey is for me. what gets in my way. really tackling specific thought patterns and habits that block me from my dreams. hopefully, i can create a conversation on chasing creative writing goals. i don’t need to get my book published. i don’t need to see external validation of my novel. i need this for me. it’s time for me to pick me by taking action and trusting myself.
every time i post here i will let you know how much i trust myself as a writer in the form of a trust meter. today, my trust in myself as a writer is zero.
Let’s see what the next day brings!